Money and Relationships

This topic is very close to my heart because I feel extremely strongly about women claiming power and not succumbing to archaic tropes that suggest they rely on men as their sole providers.

Recently, TikTok has been promoting a concept known as the 'Trad Wife' mindset, wherein women are essentially able to single-handedly take care of the home and kids while romanticizing this lifestyle, with the male partner as the sole breadwinner. This rubs me the wrong way, especially as a South Asian woman. Our community still has a long way to go to achieve income equality and parity with men, yet we are already glorifying and romanticizing a lifestyle that essentially caters to traditional patriarchal norms under the guise of staying true to our roots.

I by no means aim to simplify and encourage every woman to take on all roles in the house and professionally, burning themselves out to conquer the rat race. However, it's imperative for us to have the power to CHOOSE the kind of life we want, along with the financial independence and knowledge to support us, regardless of whether we choose to be full-time working moms, stay-at-home moms, DINK (dual income no kid) couples, etc.
This is why I wanted to initiate the conversation by introducing a 5-step framework for women in relationships to consider how they manage money together and grow together as well.

• Alignment of Broader Goals: Decisions like when to buy a house, how much you can spend on this, and what your priorities such as travel and raising children are, all need to be mutual decisions. Finances play a huge part in how you achieve these goals. Having the clarity to know how much you need to save and earn to achieve any of your goals allows you both to come up with a game plan, whether that means downgrading your lifestyle to save more, taking on a higher-paying job, or deciding if both of you want to be the breadwinners versus one, etc. Culturally, way too much emphasis is placed on the husband to provide, which in turn leads to this mindset of letting them lead and make decisions. So many women I know move thousands of miles away to come live with their husbands and start from scratch. Naturally, this leads to the husband taking on the bulk of the financial decisions and, therefore, leading to somewhat reduced autonomy even with the most supportive of partners. Having the right knowledge and alignment on goals can help make these situations a lot more equal, even if you both don't earn the same amount, as it gives you the confidence to have a say in how you grow together.

• Transparency in Income and Savings: While this post is not focused on discussing financial abuse and how to avoid it, so many women are struggling to be financially independent due to a lack of transparency into their partner's finances. While it is imperative for both partners to have some level of separation in their finances in the form of separate personal accounts, to be able to achieve FI together it's so important to know how much your partner makes, is able to save, and can contribute to household finances. There may be other priorities such as helping out parents or paying down student loan debt which all need to be addressed so as to make sure you both are helping each other grow. On the flip side, if I see way too many desi women quote, 'My money is my money, and his money is also my money'. I just find this a little unfair especially given situations where both partners work. A solid rule of thumb is to contribute proportionately to income towards household finances in a shared joint account monthly; equally if you make a similar amount. Anything on top of that can be kept separate while ensuring that the broader goals are still being addressed such as saving for a home. It is important to have discussions around how much both partners make and have saved so as to mutually discuss if there are any gaps, align on what each of them can afford to contribute, and to be able to set a shared game plan in place.

• Autonomy over Income and Savings: On the same note, it is important to have autonomy over your income and savings and be able to do what you want with it. Having a shared account for household expenses is a great idea where you set up autopayments from your paycheck each month to hit. Everything else can be contributed to your personal or savings account depending on your money management priorities. A lot of people prefer to have different methods like contributing income equally to an account and using it for all expenses or having a division of expenses such as one person paying for rent/mortgage, the other paying for utilities, etc. Either of these can work as well; I personally feel that a shared account for these expenses helps reduce friction and allows for smooth month-to-month bill payment and for everything else, you can always add more to the shared account as you need from your personal- this allows both parties to have a sense of autonomy while being fully transparent about their progress.

• Clear Communication about Luxury Expenses and Priorities: This is a tough one because luxury means something different to everyone. For some, it may mean a fine dining experience, for others, a fancy resort stay, and for others, it may mean a luxury handbag. It helps to firstly define that with each other and also determine if you both have the ability to pay for such experiences/items. I bring this up because a lot of pressure is often placed on men to provide fancy handbags, shoes, or pay for trips, and while that's perfectly fine if that is what your financial situation allows for, it helps to have conversations about how this fits into your broader priorities and whether it is taking away from it or only making a small impact on your finances. Being a little more intentional with both our money and our partner's money can help take joint finances a long way ahead. Not that I am against receiving fancy gifts or giving them or taking luxury experiences, it is basically what we all would love to do. But just making sure we aren't expecting our partners to indulge us or be pressured to live a lifestyle we cannot fully afford without taking on debt.

• Implementation and Periodic Reassessment: Lastly, all of these tips are useful, but implementing them and reassessing periodically can help take things even further. Money conversations are not fun, and we'd all love to just brush it under the carpet but it's so important to talk about it regularly, especially as we hopefully earn more with time, have changing priorities and increasing expenses, and need to reallocate accordingly. The same strategy that worked for you in the early relationship era may not be as effective 5 years down the road, so it helps to keep the communication lines open to be able to shift accordingly.